How To Win A Movie Swordfight
If you ever find yourself in a movie swordfight, just follow these 20 simple steps to come out on top!
1. First, exchange some whimsical banter. Trade light insults and chuckle at yourselves. This is a good way to prepare yourself to murder each other with blades.
2. Fight time! Start off with some standard back-and-forth sword-clanging. Keep it nice and easy — don’t try anything unexpected or try too hard to stab them / win the fight. Just a nice, simple rhythm.
3. Throw in some spins and shit!
4. After ~50 identical unsuccessful sword-strikes, just kick the dude. It will land perfectly because it is not fatal. Resume fighting.
5. Your opponent will swing at your legs once just to switch it up. Jump! Now they have failed to stab your legs.
6. Next, he’ll swing at your head. Duck! He’ll miss and smash something with his sword, like a dumb table or clay pot (there’s clay pots all over the place because this is the past.)
7. Do some more standard clanging. Left, right, left, right, etc — imagine a nice even dance beat, or the NES Konami Code.
8. Cross your swords and push your faces close together. Your opponent will whisper something taunting at you, either about how he’s gonna steal your lady or how he’ll kill you just like he killed your father. Yell “AaaaaAAHAHHHHH!!!” and push him away and resume fighting.
9. Grind your swords together up a stone wall or a railing so it makes sparks! Fucking COOL.
10. Cut to you as SILHOUETTES for a few seconds. Fucking EVEN COOLER!
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